I know this not fun to hear, and I'm dealing with it every day! Why do I care what people think of me? I've been deconstructing this in my life and it has been a process. I've been trying to eliminate things that I might have valued over my relationship with Christ.
I was an aerobics instructor for a a few years, and the idea of being a fitness inspiration was very intriguing. I loved having a body that others wanted, and getting paid to have it was not at all bad. Body image, like many people, was a very obsessive thing for me. I always thought about my weigh and how I should look in a swimsuit. I obsessed over food and working out until it consumed much of my thoughts. I know some can do this well, but I was not.
So I quit that, if teaching distracted me from the Kingdom, then I needed to let it go. I wish I could have brought the Kingdom to the gym, maybe someday I can. But my self image was getting in the way.
Then I had to do a very hard thing, give up working out every day. I like to test and see if I can put God first. I know working out is good and important. But it was an idol for me. I had to allow myself to be a little pudgy, (sorry to those of you who don't think I'm pudgy) But having a good body was a source of pride, and I wanted to learn how to push that down in the priority department and focus on what really mattered.
Then one day, I saw a woman that was older than me and she was perfect by my standards. And it dawned on me. . . Is she happy because she looks that way, happier than if she didn't? Maybe, but does that help her know Jesus more? I don't know, but for me, I didn't think having that body would help me love Jesus more.
We will all have to go on our own self evaluation journey. When we first give our lives to Jesus, we don't always see the idols in our lives. And he is so gentle with us, allow for us to go at our own pace. So you and the Holy Spirit can go on a pruning journey, this journey helps you to get closer to that place that Jesus prayed over us when he said,
"I pray that they are one just as You, Father, are in Me, and I am in You. May they also be in Us, so that the world may believe that You sent Me. I have given them the glory You gave Me, so that they may be one as We are one—
As we are sanctified, we grow as co laborers. Not that it is our work that gets anything done, but the journey of attempting to stop being so self conscience will posture us to be in a better position to hear Holy Spirit direct us and join him in the glorious work of the Kingdom.
Here is an example of my self consciousness getting in the way of Jesus powerful work. I'm inspired by the work of Randy Clark that teaches us that the Great Commission from Jesus to all of us requires even commands us to go and heal the sick and cast our demons.
I like the idea of this! So I'm praying that I get to co-labor in this kind of way. Two days ago I "needed" to go buy a pair of running/walking shoes. (yes I still run, but not obsessively) So I'm praying that morning for the Kingdom to overlap with us at the shoe store. I'm praying for the workers and the people I will see there, I'm asking God to send me someone to pray for. Then when I was there, as I was trying on my shoes, in walks a lady wearing a sling on her harm with a swollen, purple hand. That is my person, I think! This is where it would have been so cool if I had had the courage to approach her and speak healing over her arm.
But no, I got scared. And paid and ran away. And prayed for her from the outside.
What would have happened if I had the courage to look awkward for one moment? Could she have experiences a miraculous encounter that day? I will never know. I cared more about not looking stupid and making an awkward scene, then I did about her getting a healing.
Next day, this one is even more harsh. I'm headed to Lululemon to buy something and I'm praying all the same prayers. And while I'm in the store, I'm praying for everyone I see asking Holy Spirit if he has a word for anyone, and I hear nothing and then I'm checking out and and reminded that I have a discount because I used to be an aerobics instructor. Oh yeah! The cashier said, "you have a discount," I said, Oh yeah, I used to teach aerobics. She said, "where do you work." I totally blanked and should have said that I don't teach anymore, but no! I just said the first gym that popped into my head.
What in the world?! I'm not bringing the Kingdom now, I'm just lying so I can get that discount. It happened so fast, the lie flew out of my mouth without hesitation. I thought I was connected with the Spirit, but no, I just lied, paid and went home.
I was shocked, how could this be? I'm a Jesus follower, I'm going to heal the sick and cast out the demons. Well, as soon as I got home, I called the cashier back and apologized for lying to her. And of course she really didn't care, but still it is the principle.
I was humbled today, knowing that if a healing ever comes from a touch from these hands, it is the enormous grace of God our creator, who chooses to have His magnificent Will be accomplished by the hands of screw-ups like me.
Sincerely,
Lori